Alone no more
by nezukunn
Summary: She was tired. She's had enough. And she doesn't want to wake up to another day of pain and suffering. But they woke her up anyway, to another day of hope and liveliness. Suicidal!Robin, rated M for mentions of suicide and self-harm. Takes place before Enies Lobby and after Enies Lobby. Hinted Zorobin, and a short Zorobin fluff on Chapter 2
1. Chapter 1

X

It probably wasn't the first time she sat alone on the edge of the deck like this. It might probably be the last, though. The air was chilly, and the cold was grazing her bare skin as she sat in the open against the soothing winds. Night-time never failed to calm her inner demons and the ghosts of her pasts dancing around in her head, telling her that history would repeat again if she'd let her guard down.

She was tired. She had enough.

Sure, the straw-hat kid saved her life and gave her shelter for now. Then, what next? Betrayals, abandonment, and running away all over again? At least, that's what happened – or what's been happening – for the past 20 years.

The first time she'd experienced betrayal, was right after Ohara had been wiped off the surface of the map. Her small little feet trudged through the woods with barely any strength, running away from civilisation. There were shouting and yelling from the place that'd taken her in just the day before, claiming they'd had her just barely any minute ago, and then she was gone. Her bed was empty, and the window was open. And then, yelling from the Marines, commanding the soldiers to spread out and search wide. She was young then, and the only thing she knew she had to do was to live up to her mom's last words: live. So, she ran, despite gasping and panting for air, despite the growling of her stomach and the hoarse in her throat, and despite the blurry vision through her tears and fears; she ran as far away as her little feet could bring her. Young Nico Robin had to, yet, find another place to stay. It was becoming a routine.

She was all over the place for 10 years. One moment she was in West Blue, the next she was in the East. Throughout the years, she'd picked up skills to survive. Charming a person, sweet talking, putting on a mask. None of those stealing and mugging, though. She'd never really liked violence; manipulation was more of her thing than physical contact.

It wasn't until she tried to charm her way into Baroque Works that she'd finally gotten a roof over her head for a stable decade. Though, with big rewards come big consequences; play dangerous games, win dangerous prizes, that's how it is in the world, right? At least, that's what it was for her then.

She knew what she signed up for, yet she couldn't help feeling scared. And she hated herself for not having the courage to say no when she didn't want it – she hated herself for being the coward who was unable to leave because it was easier to stay than be on the run again. She was getting tired. So, when Crocodile demanded her to strip, that's what she'd do with a smirk on her face, although her mind was already begging to put an end to everything.

Robin ran through the scars on her wrist, touching them so ever slightly with her thumb, feeling the marks that were all over her body. Some ran deeper than the others, while others were fresh cuts from just a few days back. How many times had she wanted to give up so badly? How many times had her mother's words stopped her from taking her own life? How many times had Saul's last image lingered on her head each time she slashed her wrist, arm and legs? How many times had she cried over trying to live? To barely even survive?

She could only snicker at herself, her own pitiable self, "How pointless." _How pathetic._

She looked up into the moonlight that was shining down on her, then down onto the calm ocean that looked so inviting to her. The same thoughts were lingering on her mind once again, overshadowing her ability to think straight. _Maybe if things ended here, it wouldn't be too bad, would it?_ No one would know she was missing anyway. After all, she was just a stranger who boarded the ship at her own will. She laughed again – this time at her own hesitation to dive in. _It's not like anybody would care._

Robin stood up on the edge of the ship, closing her eyes and taking a whiff of the air. The boards creaked beneath her bare feet, cold like the night.

A minute or two later, she finally spun on her heels and trusted the ocean to catch her when she fell – when no one else did.

It was the same feeling she'd had a long time ago – when she was falling from the edge of the cliff but was caught by Saul before she fell into the waters. It was some sort of fun activity they'd enjoyed back in the days when Saul taught her something called the "trust fall". Silly, she thought of it before. How envious, she'd thought of it now.

She thought she'd opened her eyes once more to enjoy the view of the night before ending everything. _That would've been the best way to part._ Maybe she was hearing things, but there was some sort of thumping noises on the deck before her back was met with the ice-cold waters. _Well, whatever._

Though like ice, the ocean was surprisingly warm to her. It was the first time in 20 years she was embraced whole. The first time she felt so invited into a place. The first time she felt loved again. She was taken by the water body, but at the cost of everything. _Was it worth it?_ Her vision of the moon was blurred, covered by the waters, but she held her hand out regardless. _Was this regret?_ Her body laid motionless as she was further taken by the deep oceans, wanting all of her to nature itself. _Probably not._

X

It wasn't long before she started coughing up seawater and gasping for air. Call it reflex, but she sat up immediately before throwing up all the excess water that found its way to her lungs and stomach. A wave of confusion finally hit her after she'd calmed down from all the choking. A moment ago, she was in the ocean. Then, there was darkness. And now, she was here. _What-_

"What the fuck were you thinking?!"

Robin gasped, catching her breath in the moment. She turned her head slightly, catching a glimpse of the green headed swordsman- _the green headed swordsman?_ She blinked, making sure she wasn't just seeing things.

Sure enough, it was Zoro crouching down beside her, topless, and squeezing his pants dry. She swore, she could never get used to seeing the huge scar running down his body. Menacing, but intriguing. For some reason, it was kind of tempting her to touch it. Perhaps it was the moonlight that was making his wet torso glisten that was alluring her, or the muscles that he trained so hard to achieve. Who knows?

Robin forced a weak smile, possibly due to fatigue and exhaustion from the earlier events, "Just wanted to take a swim." She stumbled while getting up, almost falling but caught her balance as she slowly made her way to the showers. Disappointed? Most likely.

Zoro eyed her from a distance, eyes narrowing at the sight of her treating all of this ever so lightly. Was death that much of a simple term to her? Does she not care about anything? About herself?

He squeezed his pants again, hopefully it'll dry by dawn. "Fucking crazy bitch."

X

Robin held the knife up against her wrist; cold blade in contact with her skin. It's been a while since she'd done this again; not ever since that night where she got caught trying to drown herself in that beautiful night. Who'd have thought, the only person on the ship who wanted her gone the most actually dived in and saved her?

But alas, old memories were catching up to her again. She began doubting her worth again, her need to be in this world, the sole ability to live on to tell the tale of Ohara. Was she capable of it all? No, was she able to shoulder the burdens of responsibilities the dead had left her with? Was it her job to begin with?

 _Was it too hard to be selfish?_

The blade sunk into her flesh, streams of red trickling down her arm and onto the floorboards of the crow's nest. Slowly, almost unnoticeably, she slid the knife across her wrist time and time again – each cut deeper and deeper. She was almost numb to the pain had she not sought for this coping mechanism each and every time her demons caught up to her. But she couldn't help it: the throbbing pain she felt made her feel alive – as though she was human, as though she was here in the moment, as though she existed. It was what she needed to feel like she was living. What she needed to feel like she wasn't just an emotionless piece of meat. What she needed to remind herself that she had feelings, too, like everybody else. What she needed to feel validated.

Perhaps, she was too absorbed into the moment that she wasn't paying mind to the tears that were trickling down her face, dripping all over the wooden board. Blood and tears mixed onto the floorboards of the crow's nest. Had she not been alone, she'd probably not hear herself crying from all the mess that she'd made; from all the mess that she was. _Just make the voices stop._ She was beyond tired.

X

Robin woke up to find herself in the infirmary of the ship, if you could call it that. It was simply just Chopper's room, with all his medical supplies neatly shelved up and arranged. She got up from the bed and found herself staring at the tiny reindeer working on his medicines and herbs. The raven-haired woman examined the room, trying to recall what had happened before she ended up here. She raised her arm to soothe her throbbing headache, but before she met her forehead, she found herself staring at her now bandaged arm. Had she passed out from the loss of blood?

"Ah! You're awake, Robin!" Chopper exclaimed, an essence of relief and concern in his tone. "What happened? There were lots of cuts on your arm, Robin! Who did this to you?"

The archaeologist blinked, unsure of what to answer at first, but decided to divert the question, "Who… brought me here…?" she asked.

Chopper didn't look to happy with the dodging of the question, but decided to respect her decision anyway, "Zoro did. He said he found you passed out on the crow's nest. Was it an enemy attack?" His obsidian eyes boring into her bright blue ones, urging for an answer.

Shaking her head, she ran her fingers through her bangs and sighed. "I see." She turned and face him, thanking him for his efforts before leaving the room with unanswered questions and a worried face.

"She wouldn't talk." A gruff voice came from behind the door towards the other direction that Robin had left.

Chopper sighed, looking down at his feet before walking back to his work desk. "Yeah… I wonder what's going on… I'm worried…" He sniffed, holding back his tears.

X

Maybe it was wishful thinking, that if she could at least return the favour to the captain who gave her a second life, she would be at peace. That if she had gone quietly, things would go back to normal for them. Trading her lives for a bunch of kids', surely that's something she wouldn't mind trading for, if it meant that she could protect their smiles and laughter from behind the curtains.

So, yet, why were they here, risking their lives just to take her back? The smiles she'd sworn to protect, the smiles she'd given her life for. Why weren't they smiling nor laughing? Why did they have to come get themselves all beaten up, just to take her back? Why were they risking their lives for hers? _She was just another person who boarded the ship at her own will, that's all._

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT STUPID CRAP," Luffy yelled from across buildings, "SO SAY IT, SAY YOU WANT TO LIVE!"

For the longest time, maybe even the first, her emotions felt validated. She felt validated; that she was human, that she was alive and whole. The pain that all came with it was nothing compared to the hope and validation that the young crew showered her with. She was no longer a demon, nor just a piece of meat. She never was. And from the kindness that was shown to her by the kids, the hope that was given to her from just these simple words from a simple boy, she finally regained hope in herself, in the world, and in the last words that her mother and Saul left her with.

It was as though she'd held back her tears for her whole life, that all the pain and suffering she went through were just phases and obstacles that she just simply had to overcome to finally belong to a place – a home. It was simply this moment that she was allowed to cry for everything she'd been through. That she was acknowledged for trying her very best.

"I WANT TO LIVE!"

X

Maybe it was because of the distrust he'd had towards her before that made things awkward now, or maybe he was just someone who didn't know how to apologise and socialise due to his secluded personality. The air in the room felt kind of stuffy while he was doing his night-time workout routine despite it being fully air conditioned. Or maybe it was because Robin was coincidentally present to be on shift for night watching.

He took glances at her occasionally, studying her figure as she read her book and lifted weights on her extended arm. He'd probably needed a while to get used to the sight of her powers. Silence filled the air, with the occasional sounds of pages being flipped and huffing from the grown man.

Deciding it was enough for the night, he pushed himself back up on his feet and put the weights away. Robin offered him a seat beside her as she handed him a bottle of water for his hard work. Zoro simply gave a nod and took the bottle from her hand and drank it.

"So," he let out a sigh from gulping down half the bottle in one shot, "About… your past." He managed to let the question out after much hesitation. It wasn't the nicest topic to talk about, but it was better than asking what type of flowers she'd like. Wouldn't that just put him in a difficult spot? He shook his head at the thought.

Robin turned to look at him, surprised that he was actually interested in something for once. She hid her expression and gave a slight smile. "What about it?" she asked, as she closed her book, ready to give him her fullest attention.

"I, uh…" Zoro stuttered, "It's just kinda insensitive. To be asking you about all of this."

Robin tilted her head slightly, giggling a little and his inexperience. "Well, you're already asking." She smiled again, "Go on."

"Have you always been on the run? Since… I don't know… When you were wanted?" he phrased his question carefully.

Her smile turned into a solemn expression, half a smile and half… sad? Well, of course, bringing up such a traumatic past wouldn't be the happiest experience to share. She glanced at her book, stroking it slightly before speaking, "I was 8, then. I saw people running for their lives. I saw my mother for the first time since she'd left. And I saw everything taken away from me right at that very instant. There was a lot for me to take in in a single day. I was completely lost."

Zoro stared at her as she spoke, guilt and remorse lingering in his eyes.

"I had a friend. He taught me that if there are times that I'm unhappy with, just laugh. And that's how I got by." She looked over at green headed man and smiled. She looked back down as she recited her past, "Though, I began to doubt it over the years. You see… Surviving alone is… hard. You do whatever means to keep yourself safe. And so, I joined Baroque Works, despite knowing they were a terrorist group. And you just… stop laughing: because it wasn't going to help with all the pain that you were going through. Sure, it could deceive you, like putting a band aid on a wound. But the wound never goes away." She looked over at her arm and ran her fingers down the scars. Scars that were inflicted by herself. "They never go away."

Her eyes were staring blankly into the cuts, as though regretting the pain she'd dealt to herself. "I did things I never wanted to. But I had to. To survive." Dreadfully, she looked up and caught herself in his steel eyes, staring straight into her. She almost felt as if he could see right through her – that she thought he knew she was holding back her tears.

Breaking the eye contact, Zoro carefully and so gently grabbed her arm. You'd think with all that strength and muscles he'd be more forceful with his touch, but he caressed her arm like she was the most fragile being in the universe. He ran his thumbs across her scars like she did, opening his mouth to say something but then decided not to until he'd phrased it right.

He looked back up into her eyes, catching the shimmer and glisten in her welled-up eyes. "We're here now. And… I know the scars won't ever go away, but we're here to make sure you don't end up with even more."

He gulped, rephrasing his words again, in case he might sound too insensitive, "And we'll always be here. So, talk to us when you need to." He looked back up at her again, hand rubbing her cuts and pains away, "Don't go through this alone, Robin."

Happy wasn't the exact word to what she was feeling. Relief, acceptance, delight, and hopeful might have been the ones, and they were all mixed up in her expression as she smiled – an earnest smile – before thanking him.

"Thank you, Zoro."

X

Thank you for reading! Continue on next chapter for a short bit of Zorobin fluff that I'd drabbled out!


	2. Chapter 2

X

Scrambling through the area for the 5th time, Zoro finally found his way to the Thousand Sunny despite being on the same track for the past hour or so. God damn tracks and their similarities. Why does everything look the same? Fucking roads. At least paint it in different colours. Stupid government.

Surely, he wasn't the first to arrive at the ship. He'd caught himself staring at the sideview of the archaeologist. He wasn't too sure if it was her at first, noticing how comparably pale she'd become from the last time he'd seen her. But something tells him it definitely was her, with the usual mysterious aura around her, her usual smile, and the same blue eyes he was always so mesmerised with.

He marched towards her, half jogging at his current speed. Was he excited to see her? Don't know. Don't care. All he wanted to do was spin her around and kiss her like he'd always wanted to, but never got the courage to man up and do it. It's something he'd learned over the 2 years of training with Mihawk, learn to man the fuck up. "Grab her by the waist and take her," Hawkeye said, "Stop being a pussy. This is why you aren't getting laid."

The green head kind of felt invariably insulted at the last comment though. He merely asked for advices on how to deal with a woman, that's all. Nothing more. _You've got a pair, use it._ His words lingered in his head. Zoro scoffed at the thought of it.

Zoro grabbed her arm, spinning her around to face him.

Surprised, she looked up at him and blinked, confused by the sudden stranger who'd just grabbed her. It didn't take her long to register that it was her crewmate whom she'd shared her story with 3 years ago, and various nights that continued the same way; sharing their stories and intimate moments with one another.

"Zor- "she was cut off by his sudden kiss. Lips soft and tender on her own as he shared a passionate kiss with her, nibbling on her lips when she inevitably kissed him back. Her hands found their way to his chest and his neck, deepening the kiss as she pulled him closer. The feeling was mutual after all.

After a heated moment of exchanging their greetings, Zoro eventually pulled back from the heavenly taste of her lips, licking his lips from the hot mess he'd made.

Robin smirked, "Well, that's one way to greet an old friend." Her arm was still wrapped around his neck and her free hand was trailing around the huge scar across his torso that he was showcasing to the world now.

Zoro pulled her in closer, his other hand toying with her long curls before cupping her face in his hand. "Missed me?" he asked, almost arrogantly.

"Just a little bit," she teased.

X


End file.
